Satisfied Satisfier of the Insatiable

Sometimes I flip through my journal and find things that are so meaningful to me, that I can’t even believe that it was I who wrote them. I mean, probably they’re not as interesting to everyone else, but sometimes I forget my own (self-proclaimed) wisdom; wisdom that is not wise at all, really, but speculative and knowingly unknowing. I think life and ego makes you forget about your true self sometimes. We are always trying to go confidently towards some goal – just surviving – and we forget to sit down and notice all of the beautiful little details about everything around us and inside of us. When I spend a lot of time alone, this observant side of me becomes exaggerated x10 and I can write and write and write about everything that I observe, and sometimes I come to conclusions that make the hairs on my arms stand up because of my own simple thoughts. Its really a gift to be comfortably alone with just my thoughts.

This is from a journal entry that I found that was nine pages of my journal. Don’t worry, I just copied some bits and pieces here.

10/12/14 – Granada, Spain

I’m at a random café that I’ve never been to. It’s called Café La Cala. They’re open everyday at 7am until 1am. I ordered a “Moccaccino”, which is exactly as it sounds. It was made in probably less than five minutes and had this really pretty flower design in the foam. After I walked in, a lady walked in with six of her (I think) family and friends just spending a peaceful Sunday together. It’s 3:20pm; hora de siesta. It rained all morning until around 2pm. The streets are still wet but so beautiful and peaceful. There’s some sun coming through the clouds, as if finally greeting the day. Letting everyone know they can come outside now. There are definitely still a lot of tourists here but it’s sometimes hard to tell them apart from locals, students, expats…

Today I realized that it’s okay to be a tourist. It’s ok to go to an Americanized café that plays top 4o’s music. If you experience a new place in this way – who cares? It’s your experience and that’s that. And I’m not mad about it. If you go about being a tourist worrying the whole time whether you are doing it right, you are wasting your time. Be what you are and embrace it. Be respectful, but be a tourist. No matter what, you will get your experience. Your authentic experience. I went through a period of time when I really resented tourism because I felt like there was no way to be a tourist without having an impact on the culture and environment of the destination you visit and I felt like it was a wasteful and harmful pass-time. But I now realize that it is an essential part of life today and an indispensable component of the growth of global relationships and cross-cultural understanding. Now, I have no problem labeling myself as a tourist. There may be many other parts of me but I am dominantly tourist. I am a wanderer, a satisfied satisfier of my own insatiable curiosities…

I think there are all of these labels of my generation: Millennials, Generation Y. The wanderers, the privileged generation, the never-to-support-themselves-because-of-self-entitled-attitudes. Well, here is my response to those labels: why do you care so much… like seriously we are not paying attention to you…… juust kidding.  But seriously, so what if those labels are true? In the words of a true “Millennial”, I am over the structure that society has forced. Who knows if I’ll get married, who knows if I’ll have kids. I will go home, eventually. Who knows when. But my greatest fear is becoming bored in life. If I travel the world will I be satisfied? Probably not. If I live for years in other countries besides my own, will I feel full? Will my curiosities ever be satisfied? Some parts of me want them to become fulfilled, some parts of me want them to remain. For now, I am okay with wandering. Maybe I will always be ok with it. I think I fear losing the ability – physically and mentally – to do what I desire to do. For this reason, I fear growing old but I don’t fear death. I only fear losing the ability to “do”. If I were to die tomorrow I think I’d be okay with it. I really think that I am at peace with that. The world is what it is and will be what it will be. Everything happens for a reason and I don’t need to be known. I am fine being an observer, watching interactions of life. I love being alone to think. 

Okay… I don’t know how I reached such a peaceful moment in my life at that point, but right now, I definitely would not be okay with dying tomorrow! There is so much more to see and do and accomplish.  A lot of times when I read something I have written in the past, I kind of say duhh to myself while I am reading.. like obviously, self.. you silly girl. Or Adison, don’t label yourself or anyone else… you don’t know me! But realizing that things that I have written in the past are old news to me now, shows me how much I have grown and reminds me that I am a beginner every day and that is a beautiful thing!

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